Sunday, August 23, 2015

I'm F****** Tired of Being Healthy

-Let me start off this blog post by saying this.....I woke up this morning pissed off.  This entire post is a tantrum/ pity party.  I fully admit that and am giving you fair warning.  Proceed with caution or hop off because this is a full on bitch fest. Also, I would like to note that I am not referring to any specific diet  or lifestyle here whether it be Low Carb, Paleo, IIFYM or whatever it may be.  This post  is touching on what I hope are universal feelings of burn out that can come with any healthy lifestyle-

I'm tired of being healthy.  I really am.  Today was my only day of the week that I had a full "day off" from working out.  I have been working out 6 days a week, some days harder than others but I have some sort of plan every day except for Sunday....and man had I been looking forward to it!  The second I did my last overhead press with a weight yesterday I practically shrieked with glee.  There is just something about knowing I had Sunday "off" that made me so happy. And then I woke up this morning.....

I woke up hungry for one.....starving actually.  And being that I don't buy convenience food there isn't a real quick fix to that.  There aren't Eggo waffles in my freezer, cereal in my pantry, or bread to toast up quickly.  If I want breakfast that means cooking it.  Waah waah? I know....cry me a river right? But sometimes it just hits you harder than other times that from now on all things food just require more effort than they ever used to.  The convenience factor is gone. Granted, convenience food has created the epidemic we're facing of bad health....but today was just one of those days that it stuck out to me more.

Then I remembered that I needed to prep food for the week to make sure I didn't make any bad decisions and had food ready at hand when I get home from work.  Two hours of food prep later I'm even more pissed off now.  So much for a day off!  All I did was swap exercise for even more time spent and a bigger mess to clean up.  From there the bitterness just snowballed.  I got on the scale and after weeks of hard work I'm just not seeing the results I want.  All these feelings I have are  a lot easier to deal with when you are seeing results, but become nearly impossible to shrug off when the progress just isn't tangible.

I am struggling now with all things weight and health more than I have in a very long time. Just over a year ago  I wrote a blog post titled My Weightloss Journey Pt. 1: How I Became a Fatty in The First Place  I never got around to writing Part 2 which was supposed to be about how I lost the weight because promptly after writing I fell off the wagon I had been on for over 3 years.  In just about a year I've put on a solid 15lbs.  This time around it has been so hard for me to get my shit together.  The cheats were closer together and lasted a little longer each time.  Even with the awareness of everything I was doing wrong I was still bitter about it.  My eating "bad" still seemed pretty damn healthy compared to all the people around me who don't seem to be gaining or giving  crap about what they stuff in their face.  I didn't eat meal after meal of shit.  I still ate healthy meals about 70% of the time.

I honestly get pissed off and sad sometimes that it takes SOOOOO much hard work for me to maintain my body.....even if it's still never been a thin one!  I hate that some people can just eat and not have to think about it 24/7 the way I do.  I know damn well that a skinny body doesn't equal a healthy one...because it doesn't.  And as much as I HONESTLY do want to be healthy....let's be real here.  Health is not what we see.  We don't see the clogged arteries or the off the chart blood sugar.....we see the thunder thighs and the double chins.  That being said is why I feel so jealous of the people who seemingly get to eat whatever  they want without the instant weight gain.

I was texting my sister about it all morning.  We have spent most of this journey together.  (saying journey is so lame isn't it?? hahaha)   Losing together and usually gaining together too.  We both came to the realization that we are bored and tired.  Bored with the food, bored with with the routine, and tired of feeling like we HAVE TO...."or else"!! For me "or else" means one cheat meal can lead to a 4lb weight gain of bloat that takes a week to take off.  Work out or else you aren't doing everything you possibly can.  It all just seems like a lot of pressure sometimes.

And feeling like I HAVE TO do something is a surefire way to make me to hate it.  So many days I resent that I HAVE TO work out and then it leaves me no time to do anything I want to.  Between working out, working full time, maintaining a household, trying to cook healthy meals and stay two steps ahead I feel like I have no time for myself anymore.  The kicker is that I'm doing allllll those things for myself, but because I don't enjoy them anymore it becomes just another demand on my time that I resent. I feel like I am constantly having to choose things I need to or should do over things I want to do.  I know what you're thinking...."Shut up! It's called being an don't get everything you want"  And that's most DEFINITELY true.....but damn.  Some days it's just hard.

I think I'm having an even harder time this go around because the weight isn't coming off as easy as it used to.  I used to be able to eat Low Carb Mon- Fri and do a few days of yoga and be fine.  I could eat off plan all weekend long and start back again Monday morning without any significant gain.  Even if I wasn't losing at least I wasn't gaining.

Nowwa days I can climb stair wells, swim laps, hit 10k steps a day, do yoga, and lift weights and still not see the same results.  That alone can be incredibly discouraging.  I'm just tired.  Tired of all the work it takes day in and day out.  The meal prep, the exercise, and the constant battles in my mind. 

The internal battles are exhausting.  One battle for example is social settings.  Now I'm already enough of a anti social recluse as it when I do venture out and socialize like a normal human being I sure as hell better enjoy it!  Instead they usually turn into a battle within myself.  Trying to find that balance between enjoying the moment and being carefree and obsessing over all things food.

Today for example, we planned to meet up with my inlaws for dinner.  All I had on the brain was some effing fried shrimp and french fries.  I already had that craving all week anyway and it was an option at the restaurant we went to.  What did I get instead? A salad.  And not even the salad I wanted because they took my favorite one off the menu (go figure right?!)  I got a salmon Cesar salad.  It was good and all.....but I left not feeling fully satisfied.  It took everything in me not to order the damn fried food! In fact I starred at my mother inlaws uneaten french fries like Indiana Jones did at the Golden Idol

Even worse than restaurant settings are house parties/gatherings.  Seriously..... just shoot me now.  They are torture for me. TORTURE!!!  At least in restaurants you have the option of ordering your own healthy food.  It would take effort and complete awareness to order something bad.  And you aren't exactly eating off everyone else' plate (unless of course you're Helen Keller)  As long as you stay strong until you place that order and hand over that're in the clear! But at house gatherings.....forget it!  I have even come equipped with my own food and snacks and still not been able to resist the temptation.  There's just something about a smorgasbord out for everyone to enjoy that is so much harder to pass up.  Just a few weeks ago I had this exact scenario happen.  I came with snacks and such....but ended up eating at least 4 slices of pizza before the night was over along with gobs of chips and queso.  I went home feeling like shit both mentally and physically.....but it was SOOOO hard to resist.  Social gatherings are the death of me.  And the start of football season has me in a panic.  Not only because The Boys Sundays are spoken for for the foreseeable future....but because of all the gatherings that come along with it.  Oh the horror!!! I can just see the potato chips latching onto my thighs now.   And for the few times (seriously it's like 3 times total in my whole life) that I have stayed completely good and on track for a gathering....I hate being "That girl" that's standing there not eating the food.  I just don't like it.  I know it's more a thing in my head than anything else.  I don't think people really care that much about what I am or am not eating.....but I don't like showing up and only sticking to the veggie platter.  It feels so ridiculous to me.  But I'm sure I'm just over thinking it (as I do most everything in this lifetime)  

Another battle is my upcoming vacation.  I fully intend on eating like a pig.  Not only because that's just what you do on vacation....but because all of us that are going are foodies. The Boy and I both work in the food industry and my sister and brother in-law are just foodies anyway.  Part of the fun to me of exploring a new place is seeing it through the food.  I'm certainly not going to give that up.....but again it's a never ending stress in my head.  I want so badly to just be able to turn it off and enjoy and explore.....but I know instead I will be thinking about the consequences I will face when I get back to reality.  There is never the ability to shut it off completely.  Even if I say "I don't care" or "F*** it!"  I don't really mean really just means I'll deal with it later. There is no escaping it.  I genuinely fear not being able to completely enjoy myself because I am so caught up on what I just ate.....or if I choose not to eat it I'll be stuck on what I missed out on because I was obsessing about my weight.  It's really a lose lose situation.

Complete subject change here.......

I (and I'm sure most of you do too) follow people with my same goal lifestyle on social media.  I sometimes get caught up in how they seem to stick to it all so easily.  Some days it seems like it's all arm flexing, ab shots, and healthy meals.  And then I remind my self of this.....

It has to be true....right?  All those posts that are like...."I love my chia seed "blah blah blah" soooo much I don't even miss the bad foods"

Really I just want to yell BULLSHIT!!  Ok.....if they really do feel that way then kudos to them.  That's really is.  But I really wish more people would say ...."Ya know I got a salmon salad and it was ok but GOD DAMN I really wanted fried shrimp and it was hard as hell"

Now that's what I want to read.  We need to stop letting each other believe the choice to be healthy is easy.....because it usually isn't.  Or at least it isn't for me.  I have always said it is so incredibly hard and never ending.  So my goal from now on is to be as real as possible....because as the say....#thestruggleisreal

In closing this bitch fest I dared to call a blog post I want to say this......a healthy lifestyle is hard.  Some days it's harder than others.  Some days it is all consuming....other days it feels more natural and easy.  Ultimately though it is a series of choices you have to make day in and day out multiple times a day.  And sometimes those dozens of choices get to be exhausting and you get burnt out.  Some days are like my day today where you are pissed at the world for it.  I might wake up tomorrow and feel completely different.  I might be motivated and eager to work out and not feel deprived.  Maybe tomorrow that same salmon salad will be never know.  That is the roller coaster of trying to live a healthy lifestyle

End rant.