Crap My Mom Always Said......That Now I Say Too

In the words of the great Fran Fine, “Whoa! Was that my mother that just crossed the Brooklyn Bridge and came flying out my mouth?"

I think we all have had a moment like that from time to time.  It seems inevitable……sort of the circle of like but in the form of slight nagginess followed by a few eye rolls from the recipient.  I figured there was no better time than Mother’s Day weekend to highlight the ones I find myself using on the regular.

“Close the door! We’re not air conditioning Phoenix”

As a kid I was like GEEEZ…calm your tits lady! (alright…maybe not those EXACT words) Now as an adult I get it.  Boy do I get it….  We basically live on the surface of the sun and the second you open that door all that cool air just goes FLYING out and then you need to run your AC an extra 40 mins to make up for it.  Its anxiety inducing.  And costs a lot of money.  I get it now. 

“Failure to plan on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on mine”

Gurrrl.  For sure, this one is the wisest of the bunch. It also upped my vocabulary at a young age with throwing around the word constitute like a boss.  Unfortunately I haven’t said it out loud yet…..it only gets used when I am having intense confrontation…alone….in the shower.  I get REAL ballsy when I shower fight.  New goal: say it to someone who deserves it.  I wish I could have said this to an old boss of mine a time or two…..or 785.

“We all have our jobs”

Both me and The Boy say this one A LOT!  It’s pretty much always used in the context of being semi useless or annoying….but something about you is redeeming or tolerable.  Like our cat laying on EVERYTHING we need, walking on our computers, knocking shit off the counter.  Enter the phrase: ”We all have our jobs”  Babies that do nothing besides shit and sometimes act cute….”We all have our jobs”  Basically, take your pick of someone/something annoying but tolerable and this one will most likely work.

This is where I suddenly realized those were the only 3 phrases I actively used at this point in my life, but there are a few I COULD see myself saying one day when I have kids.  In fact, some of my sisters admit to using some of these phrases with their own chitlins.

“I’m not on the entertainment committee”

My mom had ZERO tolerance for whining, especially related to boredom.  She didn’t want to hear it, and this was usually her response. 

“If you’re bored, I’ll find you something to do”

You were LUCKY if you got the entertainment committee comment, otherwise you got this one.  You learned quickly in our house to never let the word bored escape your lips….it could be dangerous.

“Are your hands painted on?”

My sister said she has used this one on her girls.  It was her way of throwing shade at us for not getting in or helping with something.  It’s a non-cursing way of saying “Would you fucking DO something??”

And her lies the phrases we could have done without……

“Here, while you’re resting….”

This one was usually followed by having the laundry basket handed to you while you watched TV.  Damn it Mom!  I just wanted to watch Boy Meets World in peace…..

(One of my sisters said she was particularly triggered by this one)

“It’s Not Fashions On Parade”

I’m the youngest of 4 girls so we had our fair share of waiting on one or two of us to get ready before leaving the house.  The funny part is I totally knew what she meant by the statement growing up but had no idea Fashions on Parade was an actual TV show from the 40s until I was much older.  I always thought it was her own phrase she had completely coined herself.

“Because I said so, THAT’S why!”

Extra emphasis on the word “that.” Really put some gusto into it…..from the diaphragm!  As a kid I probably rolled my eyes (figuratively of course.  She would have smacked me if I did it for real) at this phrase the most.

Psssssh.  I want to know WHY I can’t wander the mall alone with friends in the 4^th grade…..WHYYYY?!?

It was my small resistance to authority.

Now I’m 30 and I’m all….”Oh,...THAT’S why….” 

And just to round it all out and make it an even 10 phrases, I wanted to add an honorable mention spoken by one of my sisters.  I once heard her utter a phrase that for me goes down in Mommin’ history.  I look forward to the day when I can throw it into regular rotation.

Ready?

Drum roll……..

“I want you to take two brain cells and rub them together”

Poetic right?  And just imagine it with the miming of your thumb and pointer finger rubbing together.  It really drives the point home. Definitely a top moment in my life.

What were some of your moms momisms?  Or have you started creating your own?