The Irrational Mind of an Emetophobic

It's not often here at The Busy Broad that I get serious....but I feel like it will be therapeutic for me to write about something that has held me back from alot in my life and just get it out there. Even if nobody else reads this...I think it will just feel good to piece things all together and have it in one little spot in the blogging world.  Perhaps somebody else will read this though....and maybe they will relate.  And if you do......PLEASE BE MY FRIEND!   ;)

I have emetophobia which is the fear of vomit. I've never been diagnosed by a doctor.....but it's a pretty safe self diagnosis.

It's one of those things that when you say it to people, they generally don't take it too seriously at first.  When you say "I hate throw up"  most peoples reaction is "Oh, me too!"  Because let's face it......unless you are part of the cast of Jackass or Tosh.0 most people don't see vomiting as a spectator sport or a favorite past time.  That's when I say to them "No I mean like I HAAAATE it"  Like hate hate.

Most people still don't get it until they are with me when a "scare" occurs and then when they see the shear terror in my face.....that's when they get it

Backing it up.....I've tried to pinpoint where it all started.  The first distinct memory I have of this terror was in Kindergarten.  My class was in PE and we were in a giant circle playing a game when all of the sudden a boy began throwing up right there in our circle.  I don't really remember my initial reaction....but I do remember lunch time that day.  My mom came to eat lunch with me since she was already there volunteering at the school.  I remember sitting at the picnic table and crying to her that I was too afraid to eat my lunch because a boy had thrown up in PE.  That's when she basically forced me to eat some pretzels telling me that if I did throw up I would want to throw up more than just "stomach juice" as she called it.  So there I was...cheeks full of pretzels, choking them down while tears rolled down my face

If that instance in Kindergarten is what planted the seed, it was my second grade experience that most definitely pushed me over the edge in to full blown phobia mode.  I started off this particular week so happy because I was given the job as Classroom Runner.  That meant I got to leave the classroom to deliver the attendance folder to the nurses office, pick up the lunch tickets, and sent to deliver notes to the other teachers.

Welp.....the excitement about this little job came to a screeching halt one afternoon.  A girl in my class quickly pushed back her chair during math and told the teacher she thought she was going to throw up.  The teacher sent her straight outside.  A few minutes passed before she came to me and told me that as the runner my job was to go outside and check on her and then lead her to the nurses office.  Completely terrified, I slowly made my way outside.  What I found will forever be scorched into my memory.

There she was, hands on her knees, hunched over COVERED in her own vomit.  I'm not sure what sort of god forsaken snack her mother packed in her lunch that day....but it was bright freakin blue....and made her vomit seem extra sticky.  I couldn't understand what she did to be sooooo covered in it.  It was EVERYWHERE.  All over her dress, in her hair, and on her hands.  If I hadn't come out to see her with her hands on her knees I would have thought that she had rolled in it....it was that bad!

In complete panic mode I began to lead her towards the nurses office....of course with a safe distance between us.  At one point she reached out her vomit smeared hand and asked me to hold it.  Obviously now as an adult I realize she was a scared little kid in need of comfort and holding hands was what she wanted at the time....but all I could think of was how there was no way in FUCK that I would touch that nasty ass hand of hers.  Harsh?  Maybe.  But who really wants to touch somebody elses vomit hands? That was when I put my hand out in a stop sign fashion and yelled NO!!!!!! 

Soon after we arrived at the nurses office.  I walked in and in one lightning quick run on sentence I said "She threw up, I brought her, and I need to go!"  And I was outta there! 

From that moment on I have never been the same.  It is ALWAYS in the back of my head.  My family of course is aware of my phobia, but I don't think they, my own husband included, quite realize how much it consumes my everyday life.  Not because they don't pay attention, but because I try not to let on about it.

Any kind of splashing noise will make my entire body go stiff in fear.  I distinctly remember being lined up with my class in the 6th grade.  All of the sudden I heard a splashing noise and I took off running....yes....running.  My teacher had to call me back over and wondered what in the hell I was doing.  Turns out it was just a breeze that had picked up leaves and was scattering them across the concrete....that was the splashing sound I heard that I was so convinced was one of my classmates getting sick.

People bending over freaks me out....people stopping suddenly while walking.....or putting their hand to their mouth in any way.  In my wacked out brain they couldn't possibly just be bending over to pick something up, stopping to look at something, or burping. No....my mind goes straight to "Oh shit they're going to throw up" 

I guess it worked out nicely for my parents though because this kept me far away from any sketchy house parties in high school.  I never even stepped foot into one....not even for 5 minutes.  The risk was far too great.  Especially considering young kids who don't know their limits and will drink themselves into an oblivion.  I heard the stories on Monday mornings and those were enough to make me sweaty and shake...and I wasn't even there!

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It creates a sort of distrust with people.  For example....in the 4 years I have been with my husband I have only seen him throw up once but that one time was enough.  It's not his fault of course....he's human.  But because of that one instance I now have recurring nightmares of him throwing up in our bed.  He never did throw up in our bed....but I was asleep when it happened and it woke me up so I think that my subconscious relates the two.  It's as if my mind is trying to remind me that he broke that "trust" by letting me see this that it could happen again at any moment.  Every time I have these dreams I wake up with guilt because I'm always so mad at him in my dreams.  I hate that.

Another time I woke up from a dead sleep and sat straight up, like I knew something was going to happen.  Suddenly I heard shower water on full blast...and I knew it.  He was about to get sick. I put my fingers in my ears (no joke) and tried to run to the furthest part of the house from the bathroom as possible, but I could still hear it.  I sat and rocked myself with my fingers still in my ears and I remember so "No..No!" over and over.  How pathetic is that?  It's such a childish reaction

After I thought it was clear I went and knocked on the bathroom door.  He said "Yeees" in a funny voice.  What a sweet man he is.   He was trying everything in his power to keep me protected from what was going on with him. First by turning on the water to try and muffle the sounds, and then by trying to act as if he was just in the bathroom and nothing was wrong.  Answering me in a funny voice to sound as normal as possible.  I so appreciate that now, but at the time all I could say was "I know what you're doing, I HEARD YOU!!!"  

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I'm leery of pregnant women.  Does that make me a bitch?  Possibly so....but I can't help it.  My brain is incapable of looking at a pregnant woman without the words MORNING SICKNESS practically flashing in big red lights in my head.  You become a hazard for me to be around....your a baby growing puking machine in my irrational mind. 

I think I am normally very comforting and nurturing ....but once vomit is involved I am a totally different person.   I become a selfish bitch and can be downright mean. I really despise this aspect of my phobia.  I go into self defense mode and couldn't give two shits about the other person.  Just recently at work a friend of mine started choking on a caramel candy.  He stood over the trash can coughing, choking, and gagging.  I ran to the other side of the kitchen.  When I realized it was safe for me to come back I walked up to him and started saying "How could you do this to me....how???"

Isn't that just terrible?  The poor guy was choking and I was wondering how HE could do that to ME.  It doesn't get more selfish than that. But when the phobia sets in all logic completely goes out the window.  Once I calm back down the extreme guilt sets in....I feel like a piece of shit.

I cry sometimes over how guilty I feel over the fact that so many people have taken care of me when I have been sick or in need of help....but I can't possibly return the favor.  That makes me feel so horrible.

My mom had polyps removed from her nose a few years back.  When she got home from the hospital I was supposed to be the one to take care of her.  Apparently though, she had ingested alot of blood which was causing her to throw up.  There was my poor mother, nose stuffed with gauze, fresh out surgery, and drugged out of her mind....and yet she was still more worried about me.  She yelled "Whit GO!!!" in time for me to run away while she threw up buckets of blood.  I called my husband (then boyfriend) hysterical telling him how worthless I felt.  I was supposed to be caring for her and I was failing at it.  It was such a helpless and hopeless feeling
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People ask me allllll the time.  "What are you going to do when you have kids?"  I try to make it light hearted and make a joke.  My reply is always, "Oh I don't know....lock them in the bathroom until their father gets home?"   I may joke, but in all honesty I am terrified.  There are many reason why we don't have kids yet....we want to buy a house first, we want to be more financially stable, and have you seen the price of daycare these days?  It's outrageous! Ain't nobody got the money for that.   ;)  But I would be lying if I didn't say my phobia was a big part of it as well.

I really don't know what I would do.  People always say it will be different when it's your own kids....but how can you be sure?  I don't want to find out the hard way that I react just as badly as I do now.  I also don't want to live every single day of motherhood in paralyzing fear of them getting sick...cuz let's face it.....kids throw up.....ALOT! I don't want to be a basket case of a mother.

I feel like I have always been a very hands on auntie with my nieces as they grow up and took care of them as babies.  I love them like they are my own.  I adore my niece Elsa...but one incident with her really makes me nervous.  I was 16 and staying with my sister for the summer while her husband was deployed.  Elsa was just a little baby at the time...maybe a year and a half old. She was eating her dinner when she suddenly began choking on her food.  She stood up in her high chair as my sister held her hand and she began to projectile vomit getting the food out.  My sister kept repeating my name over and over " Whitney, Whitney, Whitney!"  like she was asking for my  help....and do you know what I did?

I ran out the back door, into the backyard, and hid in the bushes on the side of the house. How could I leave at a time like that? How could leave a little baby and her scared mother alone like that.  I want to believe that it's because I was young....or maybe because I ultimately knew my sister was there and it wasn't all depending on me....but how can I really know?  I don't know and that's what scares me. Like I said before, all logic is gone at that point and I never know how I will react to the situation.

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I'm hoping I can figure this out within the next couple of years so I can consider having children someday.  This is no way to live and I need to be rid of this stupid phobia.  I know there is desensitization therapy out there....but what person in their right mind really wants to voluntarily show up to put themselves in that situation.  I don't.  

I've heard that hypnotism has worked for some people and I would most definitely be willing to go that route first before the therapies.  

If anyone out there with emetophobia has ever sought treatment I would LOVE to hear about your experience!

Well...that's my crazy mind for you. Even if you don't suffer from this disorder, I hope it will help some people see what does go on in our brain.  And if some people do seem standoffish in some situations, don't rule out that they may have a paralyzing phobia and that they aren't just a heartless asshole.  You never know what a person is going through.

**Note:  I had been writing this post off and on for a week.  I was starting to feel a bit more confident about my fear...like maybe it was getting a little better.  That was until just yesterday at work I had another "episode"  I was in the work restroom (single stall room) when I heard someone try to open the door, followed by some coughing and the splash sound I am so terrified of.  Then I heard them go into the other single restroom right next door.  I went into complete panic mode. Even though she was technically in another room, the walls are so thin I could hear every single wretch she made.  I wanted out of the room so badly so I wouldn't have to listen to it anymore, but getting out meant I would have to step over a pile of vomit on my way out.  I probably only debated what to do for 30-40 seconds but man did it feel like FOREVER!  I finally got the nerve to run out and hop over it.  I ran into my coworkers and ran straight for my "Work Mama" 

 I was shaking like you wouldn't believe.  I was in full on freak out mode.  I couldn't stop it.  It took everything in me not to burst into tears...and that attempt to not cry turned into an odd nervous laugh a couple of times.  

I finally calmed down...but since my reaction was pretty close to a full blown panic attack it left me utterly exhausted the rest of the day.  I felt as if I had run a marathon....but I guess an adrenaline rush like that will do that to you.  

It was so disheartening because I really thought I was improving, but at least now I know that I have a ways to go before I am better.

Low Carb Sushi - 3 Ways

I looooove sushi!  It's like crack.  If this pyramid of sushi and the $150 price tag doesn't prove that then nothing will

(For the record though....this was for a girls weekend so I didn't eat it all myelf.  But....give me 3 days alone with this stuff and I'm sure I could have)

But considering that eating white rice is basically the same as shoveling sugar into your face, sushi has now become a rare treat for me...and oh how I miss it so!

That's why I was so thrilled when I came across a pin on Pinterest that showed rolls made with cauliflower rice instead of sticky rice.....flippin genius!!!

Why didn't I think if this??  I mean I already make cauliflower mexican rice and fried rice....why did this idea never enter my little brain?

I googled a bunch of different low carb sushi rolls and somewhere on a message board I remember someone suggesting that you mix a little cream cheese into the cauliflower rice to make it more sticky.....again with the genius thoughts!  I'm convinced that low carbers are some of the smartest people around ;)  I wish I could remember where I read that....but thank you to that smart person somewhere out there in the cyber world 

Here's what I did

First I shredded a head of cauliflower in my food processor.  I really prefer the way it comes out in the processor as opposed to hand grating it

Place it in a bowl and  microwave for about 4-5 minutes or until done

While it's still hot, stir in some cream cheese until it starts to stick together more

If I had to guess I think I used between 1 and 2 oz of cream cheese...but just do it until it feels like it's started to bind it together slightly.  You don't want to go overboard with it and have the cream cheese flavor be overpowering

Here it is all mixed through.  See the difference in textures and how it looks more clumped together?

Put it in pan and let it sit in the fridge to cool down.  A larger pan with more surface area will make it go faster.  I left it in for an hour but I'm sure it was probably cool enough sooner

Then you're all set fr sushi makin!

Spread your cauliflower rice on the nori just as you would the sticky rice, leaving an inch on one side

And add your fillings

First filling I made was spicy crab

If you're eating low carb you have to fork over the extra cash to get real crab meat for this.  No imitation.  Real crab has virtually no carbs but the imitation is loaded with sugar.  That's because crab has a naturally sweet flavor and in order to mimic that the imitation takes a white fish if some kind and adds sugar....and still doesn't taste even remotely the same haha.  Plus it just tastes better than the fake stuff anyway.

To make your spicy crab add mayo and sriracha to taste.  I like mine extra spicy.  I also added a little chopped green onion to the mix

 Put on top of your cauliflower rice and start rolling

Next up....ahi tuna.  With cucumber, green onion, and avocado

That's it in the middle

And some shrimp sushi.  Again with avocado, cucumber, green onion, and sriracha because I just can't stay away from the stuff

And last but not least....spicy tuna!

To make that all you do is fine chop your tuna

 

And mix it with sriracha to taste and a little bit of soy sauce

Voila!

Once you know how to make the rice...you can put together whatever flavor combinations you want

I have a feeling I'll be making this alot now

MoMo Monday Week #10

Lately MoMo has been a little bit high maintenance in the health department.  The last few months I've made more trips to the ER and vet and spent more money than I think in the total other 7 years I've had her put together

Well....she kept up with that last week.  We took her into the vet for a UTI.  Apparently her breed is more prone to infections of all kinds anyway, and combining that with her age and her getting lazy when it comes to drinking enough water in this hot AZ weather means UTI's are super easy for her to get

I decided to buy her one of those water fountains hoping it will encourage her to drink more water 

So far it seems like she really likes it

But of course even with a fancy new fountain.....she still goes for the toilet! 

It's kinda like how you buy a kid a present....and they like the box better.  Of course MoMo does love boxes too

Anywho....that girl loves her some toilet water! So much in fact, we have a morning routine.

(Sorry if this is TMI for some people lol)

  My alarm goes off, I go into the bathroom and I sit down to pee.  MoMo pushes the door open with her little muzzle and comes and stands up on her hind legs with her front paws on my knees.  I give her some chin scratches.....and then finish up doing my thing lol   As SOON as I stand up and flush....she's already making her way onto the toilet seat for a drink

Kinda gross?  Yea.

But what are you gonna do? At least she's getting hydrated.  That's really all I care about at this point


MoMo has a potty mouth

See what I did there?

Here's to staying hydrated.....by any means possible

Gem Flamingo

I have a secret love for flamingos

I think I've always kinda liked them....but a new found love for them is starting to brew inside me

Not only are they my favorite color....but they're just so...sooo.....nerdy?!   There's something awkward about them that I love.  Does that make any sense?

Almost like they're kinda of the underdog and I'm rooting for them.  And they can twist and bend in ways I can only hope I will get to someday with my yoga practice.  I basically strive to be a flamingo.....Ok not really.  But I want to bend like one for sure!

Anywho....I can totally see myself being that crazy old lady with a bunch of flamingos in her yard....I freakin love them!

When I broke the news to The Boy that I wanted to put a flamingo in our yard his response was "Only if it's wearing sunglasses"

So I ran out the next day and bought a cheap one from the dollar store.  I was far too excited and impatient to figure out the whole sunglasses thing....so I decided to go with gems

I just hot glued them all over and.....voila!

A gem covered flamingo

Cheesy as hell?  Yep.

Awesome nonetheless?  Absolutely.

And just so I fulfill The Boy's wishes....I think I might have to go buy another one just to give it some sunglasses.  I wouldn't want my poor hubby to be disappointed now would I?

I think it would have been alot cuter if I had used a faceted type gem instead of these plain ones....but I was overly excited and eager to make one that I didn't care at them time and used what I had on hand

Does that mean I have to make yet another one?  I think so!

Before you know it I will have a whole flock of flamingos in my yard.  Stay tuned for the flamingo fun 

MoMo Monday Week #9

Happy belated Father's Day!

Hope all the dads out there had a great day

Here's a card MoMo made for her daddy a few years back

Complete with her cute little paw print...not the brightest idea I ever had though

And her list of reasons why he's such a good daddy

MoMo is such a card making fool!  Go HERE to see the card she made me for Mothers Day
 

Pesto Crescent Bites

I went to a baby shower back in September

There were mountains of delicious food everywhere....but I was pretty much eating only one thing

These delicious little crescent bites that I could not get enough of.  I think I almost polished off the entire tray myself....it hit the point of embarrassing but they were like baby shower crack man!

When I asked what was in them I was surprised at how simple it was....just store bought crescent dough and pesto

So simple yet sooooooo delicious!

I couldn't get these delicious little things out of my head so when Thanksgiving rolled around I had to make them for our appetizer spread

I originally intended to make my own pesto, but when I saw that I could buy an entire jar of the premade stuff for less than I could buy one of those little plastic packs of just the fresh basil....not even including all the other ingredients....I decided store bought it is.  The price of herbs is pretty ridic!

I don't have any pictures of the process of me making them but it's pretty straight forward.

Just unroll your crescents from the can, spread a little pesto all over the dough, and roll up as you normally would

Since some of the pesto seeped out as I rolled it up I spread some on the top too just so it would all look the same

Bake according the the package directions.  You can keep them whole If you want but I cut them in half to be more bite sized

 I promise everyone will love them.....so my suggestion is to make alot =)

DIY Wedding Planning Notebook

Meet my friend Jade

I have known her since my Freshman year of high school.  We also waitressed at the same crappy restaurant (bow ties and dancing included) and then went on to go to Culinary school together 

Here we are at Disneyland

At the beach

And good ole senior prom

She's the friend that I don't get to see often.....but nothing changes.  She's always a text away and there if I never need her.  I love this girl to death!

When I heard the happy news that her boyfriend popped the question I was soooo happy for her! I instantly began thinking of gift ideas. I decided I wanted to give her something that would be useful in the planning process but still cute and thoughtful

So I decided on a wedding planning notebook

They chose yellow and grey as their wedding colors which I LOVE.  In fact, I want that to be our living room colors when we buy a house....but enough about me....back to the bride to be :)

I bought a yellow binder, some scrapbook paper, some cool letters, and some embellishments

Her dog......my bad, her child.... is named Daisy and it's also her favorite flower so I had to incorporate them

Inside I put dividers with different planning topics

These topics included: venue, food,  cake, music, ceremony, clothing hair etc, decor, guest list and invitations, flowers, and honeymoon

In the back I put page protectors that she can put behind each divider

In these she can put notes, inspiration pictures, receipts, business cards.....whatever

I got super lucky and found a bunch of grey and yellow notecards and notepads and Michaels.  Perfect for jotting down all your to do lists and notes

 

Notice MoMo's little foot in the upper right corner?  She kept laying down on top of all the stuffs as I tried to get a picture.  I moved her about 4 times before I gave up and decided that this was as good as it was gonna get...so there her little paw is

I put it all in this cute bag.  I really scored on the yellow and grey stuff!

I haven't had a chance to give it to her yet but I really hope she gets some use out of it all.

And if she's reading this......surprise! lol ;)  

I can't wait for her big day


   
 

Patriotic Decor

I have a thing for patriotic decor

The last few years have really brought out my inner flag waving "Merica!!" side

I think it's partly because you can keep all the decorations up for so long....basically you could have them up from May-September and nobody would judge you

Ok....MOST people won't judge you 

Here's a cute and cheap craft you can add to that collection

All you need is some acrylic paint, scrapbook paper, wood letters, and a picture frame

I have an abundance of these Dollar Tree picture frames leftover from Christmas gifts that never came to be.  I've meant to make them the past 2 Christmases and never did....so I think it's safe to use one for this project then.....dontcha think?

All I did was paint the frame red, and the letters white

These letters from Michaels were the perfect size to fit a 5x7 frame

I bought some blue glitter cardstock that was unique because it was corrugated.  I think it made it alot more interesting

Cut your scrapbook paper or cardstock of choice to fit them frame and hot glue your letters to it

That's it!  I originally intended to glitter the frame as well.....but ended deciding to leave it plain red to put more focus on the blue.  

Let me tell you....for a glitter addict like myself that was a quite an accomplishment

But of course.....then I ended up using glitter star picks ( from 99c Only) in a mason jar next to it as an accent.   So I still got a second glitter fix....but what are you gonna do?  Addicts don't recover overnight